Bedroom Comedy Fan Gifts

"I'm not pretending to be asleep—I'm pretending to be sexually satisfied."

'I never thought I'd reach first base!'

'Are you from a small town?'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

Bad fake tan day.

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Giraffe Umbrella

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Vlad the Impala

If time travel was invented in 1600 in England. I'm a fan of the bard. Let's see if he wants to take a journey through time. Globe Theater. Sounds fun! Let's go to 2020. It's a nice round number. Zazzz! Poof! That's weird. How did they know he was coming? And why does he need to leave this place? Apparently you can't be here, William. The sign says "No Shakespeare in the park this summer."

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

A Fairytale Update

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

"That'll be five bucks."

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.