Bedroom Comedy Fan Gifts

"I'm not pretending to be asleep—I'm pretending to be sexually satisfied."

'Are you from a small town?'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

Giraffe Umbrella

Bad fake tan day.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

A Fairytale Update

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Vlad the Impala

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

"That'll be five bucks."

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

"That is an outrageous slur."