Bedroom Banisher Gifts

'Pillow too soft?'

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

It's okay -- I'm training for the 2020 Olympics.

"So, who would you like me to call first, dear, the plumber or the exterminator?"

"That's an everblue."

"How many verses of 'Froggie Went A-Courting' are there, Jay, before your pill kicks in?"

"These songbirds every morning at five A.M. would be really annoying if they weren't so damn talented."

"Ooh don't stop Bob, the last time you ran your fingers through my hair like this was on our wedding night!"

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Shoe Repair and Pest Control.

'You've had enough!'

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

'I've never done this before.'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

Dali Paints His Dreams

Time stood still – which made it an easy target.

'So we meet again on the fields of battle.'

'This bathroom ain't big enough for the both of us.'

'Anything I can break has to go.'

Ah, rain has stopped, now for the good life...

"Remember, son, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and anyone who says 'Beer me' as far away as possible."

"You've just raided your last patch!"

"That's kingsize?"

"I'm taking you off sugar, carbs, red meat, poultry, dairy, non-dairy and anything served in a bucket."

"I say it's government-mandated broccoli, and I say the hell with it."

Dance of the Inconsistent Water Temperature

"I'm having a problem with the Ultra-Super Max Plumber's Helper you sold me yesterday."

'I turn them loose in my cave. They're colorful, fun to watch and they eat bugs.'

'Oh no. The cat got into the tub too.'

"Wait, I just want to kill this fly."

"What are you going to do about it? Call an exterminator?"

'Here's one I wrote to cover the sound of my wife's voice telling me nobody is going to pay to hear my songs.'

"Why are you afraid of bugs? You outweigh the majority of them by 250 pounds."

'The plunger had defected to the enemy.'

'My husband I haven't been sleeping so we changed from a memory mattress to an amnesia one...we're still not sleeping properly, but now we've forgotten all about it by the time we wake up.'