Bleacher Banisher Gifts

'Now, let's just say the fan in Row C, Seat 4, is on your case. You just punch the coordinates into the computer...'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

"That's an everblue."

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

"Ooh don't stop Bob, the last time you ran your fingers through my hair like this was on our wedding night!"

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Shoe Repair and Pest Control.

Fan-Centric Stadium

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'You've had enough!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'Pillow too soft?'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

No Strike Zone Man.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

Dugout sale!

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

'Foul ball!!'

Stadium usher of the month.

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

Ah, rain has stopped, now for the good life...

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'Anything I can break has to go.'

"Remember, son, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and anyone who says 'Beer me' as far away as possible."

'Just made a pass. I'm running for the end zone.'