Bleacher Banisher Gifts

'Now, let's just say the fan in Row C, Seat 4, is on your case. You just punch the coordinates into the computer...'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

"Ooh don't stop Bob, the last time you ran your fingers through my hair like this was on our wedding night!"

Fan-Centric Stadium

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'You've had enough!'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

No Strike Zone Man.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

"Remember, son, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and anyone who says 'Beer me' as far away as possible."

'Foul ball!!'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

'Anything I can break has to go.'

Stadium usher of the month.

Ah, rain has stopped, now for the good life...

Dugout sale!

'Just made a pass. I'm running for the end zone.'

'... Hunt? Runt? Grunt? Bunt? ... Bunt! He's telling the batter to bunt!'