Becoming A Parent Gifts

Batman at the Maternity Ward

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'I told that boy no snacks before dinner, , ,'

"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."

Kidneys / Adultneys

'It's a subpoena from the PTA.'

"Attention, please. At 8:45 A.M. on Tuesday, July 29, 2008, you are all scheduled to take the New York State Bar Exam."

'It was hard enough making ends meet when it was just the two of us. Now we have a baby and suddenly there's four more stomachs to feed.'

'When we were young we used to dress like our parents - these days parents dress like their children!'

Child reading book: Understanding Your Parents' Behavior.

'Congratulations! It's an obesity time bomb'

'What's the plural of baby?'

'OK, dad, but this is the last time I'm going to show you how to set the parental controls.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Dress it up all you want – it's still and invasion of my privacy."

A baby is breast feeding and father asks mother:'So at what age is he going to realize that I exist?'

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

'We're quite excited. We think he's developing his first disorder.'

"Sir, the platoon suffered heavy casualties from a roadside IUD."

'Ugh Not Again!'

'I took my parents for granted until I had kids of my own. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't here to raise them.'

'Don't you realize, Jason, that when you throw furniture out of the window and tie your sister to a tree, you make Mommy and Daddy very sad.'

'Superbaby...More powerful than an electric breast pump!'

"I would share, but I'm not there developmentally."

'Don't worry - one day we'll get our own back when we put them in a nursing home.'

Balancing Family and Work

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

Changing the baby.

'You don't think you're just a tad overprotective?'

"You'd tell me if I was genetically modified?"

'There is something wrong with the spinach. It tastes good.'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'It's a venture capitalist.'

"Please don't make me work from home. I have a stay-at-home husband and two pre-schoolers."