Beauty Renegade Pillows

"I don't mind telling you I've never had a manicure in my entire life."

Bad fake tan day.

Hiding the electronics.

A holiday at home

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"Could you speak a little louder? I'm recording this."

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

"Can you recommend a nice red wine that goes well with a broken heart?"

'I'll grow old gracefully when I want to and not any sooner.'

Organized chaos.

The Bland Leading the Bland

'You are the first and the last of the Mohicans ... out!'

A man without a chicken on his head!

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

'She kept pinching the Vicar's bum!'

"No, I did NOT get the memo about "Casual Fridays." Had I known I would have worn flats."

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

Female Dominance.

'I looked, and the Ten Commandments don't say ANYTHING about running with scissors!'

"But you told me you were on gardening leave, so why can't you come and help me in the garden?"

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

DIY store.

Sistine Chapel - Extreme Makeover: 'Blue's good but lets loss all the clouds and the drama.'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

'I think it's fair to say we're opposed to tame sex marriage.'

Hot pink (and purple) monkey love!

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'

Complaints (just kidding).

"We'll take it from here Gramps." "Yeah, you guys are just so antiquated." "Power 'Tools'"