Beach-loving Uncle Pillows

'It's the middle of summer and the family is beginning to fear that you're stalking them.'

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Quick, do a background search and see if this doctor passed his boards!'

'I was thinking-what if the tide's OUT?'

Dog traps the postman.

'Sorry Ben, I never noticed the baby-sitting clause in the stud contract.'

'Say... I just had no idea the red haired freckled dutchmen were so good with kids!'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"I'm feeling like there's a 'good boy' on this side of the room."

"Yes, we're supposed to sing, but not Rap!"

"George, I think factor 50 would probably be enough."

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

Pianist.

"No sense of smell, ears plugged and eyes fixed on their phones. I'm telling you, if I weren't domesticated I'd be all over that."

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

With Jury Duty for All

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

Santa Claus walks dogs

'Do they make one of those that finds lost bones?'

'I realize it's not much of a war, but it's all we can afford right now.'

"Museum directory: Male statues with big d**ks. Female statues with huge tits & fat butts."

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

Plaids set man apart from the lower animals

Surfer on his mobile phone.

Boris Johnson related to Mummy

"I'm willing to relocate ... to somewhere sunny?"

'The acme fund...1 yr, 10...5 yr, 12...10 yr, 17.'

'1815 - the night before the Battle of Waterloo, Napoleon seems a tense and pre-occupied.'

'I bet he buried something really big there.'

'Old Fred spoils that pooch of his!'

Historic Landmarks - Wimbledon, 1863