Battery Manufacturer Gifts

Lithium Fair

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Cut!

Working in the Hazard Zone!

That one has all the batteries!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

AA Meeting Here Today

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Buster Keaton

Little Red Riding Carpet

"You'll do everything...accounting, marketing, manufacturing...with no pay or benefits...and three years from now we'll trade you in for a newer, sexier model."

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

DVD extras - the making of the boxed set.

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"And the award for the best use of AI in a movie goes to..."

"All stories have been told, all songs have been sung. But that won't stop us from making movie reboots."

Tim Burton

'The Easter Bunny has started outsourcing to us.'

"No. I don't want to see an all-male production of 'Little Women.' "