Barracks Jokester Gifts

'I told my mom we're going to take part in war games and she sent my old game controllers.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Police Cow!

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Cleaning the Horse

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

Army Barracks

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.