Barmitzvah Gifts

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

Barbeque Casualty.

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'I don't have the heart. You tell him the barbeque season is over.'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

'Harold took the advice of the 'experts' and only invested in things he understood, which is why our portfolio consists entirely of Anheuser-Busch and Phillip Morris.'

Phil gets a head start on his holiday decorating.

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

Beer Club for Men.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Shall I phone the fire brigade yet."

"Larry does all his own stunts."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

His and Hers barbie.

"...Bug bites, barbecue and lawn mower...and you?"

BBQ equipment arriving on a desert island with a cow and man sunbathing.

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'Boozer's Week.'

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

Vlad the Impaler - The Later Years.