Barmitzvah Gifts

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

Barbeque Casualty.

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'I don't have the heart. You tell him the barbeque season is over.'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

Phil gets a head start on his holiday decorating.

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

Beer Club for Men.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"Larry does all his own stunts."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"Shall I phone the fire brigade yet."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

His and Hers barbie.

"...Bug bites, barbecue and lawn mower...and you?"

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

BBQ equipment arriving on a desert island with a cow and man sunbathing.

'Boozer's Week.'

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

"You think you're brave? I read Hebrew in front of a live audience."

Vlad the Impaler - The Later Years.