Bar Quipster Pillows

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"What other tricks does he need?"

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Official Seal

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"I'm catching up on my inertia."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

The Quantum Mechanic...

'The difference between Micro and Macro economics is this: Macro is what you owe, and Micro is what you're paid.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm supposed to meet a minister and a priest here..."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"If Foucault's Pendulum is correct - 15 degrees per sidereal hour times the side of the latitude - then I'm an hour late for lunch."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"It's not just you. Neutrinos are going right through everybody."

"I'm not whining."

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

'Actually I started out in quantum mechanics, but somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn.'

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)