Bar Quipster T-Shirts

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"What other tricks does he need?"

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"I'm catching up on my inertia."

Official Seal

Inappropriate horse whispering.

The Quantum Mechanic...

'The difference between Micro and Macro economics is this: Macro is what you owe, and Micro is what you're paid.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm supposed to meet a minister and a priest here..."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"If Foucault's Pendulum is correct - 15 degrees per sidereal hour times the side of the latitude - then I'm an hour late for lunch."

"It's not just you. Neutrinos are going right through everybody."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"I'm not whining."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The Staff Meeting.

'Actually I started out in quantum mechanics, but somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn.'