Bar Banter Collector Gifts

'I'm not fat, I'm big boned.'

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'We are now entering sombre hour, happy hour has finished.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Is that neat whisky?"

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"I'm not whining."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"Let's just agree to disagree." "I suggested that first!"