Bantering Gifts

'Why are you so rude?'

"Have you noticed that as we get older it only takes a couple of pints before we start talking bollocks?'

"Will you stop saying 'I thought you liked a bit of rough...!!'"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I think it stopped breathing."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Peach flirting with a banana.

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'Ted, isn't it about time you sorted out your deer-gut?'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'This isn't a non-profit-making organization you know! Or at least, it wasn't until you started working here!'

"An open one-to-one environment is what you want, an open one-to-one environment is what you get, Ms Praed."

"Care for an oxymoron?"

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

The Art of Bantering!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'You say the pains in my left leg are caused by old age. But doctor my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all!'