Bad Date Recovery Gifts

"How was my internet date? Put it this way, I went online hoping for broadband; I got dial-up."

"Don't get me wrong – I'm pro crazy bitches."

Rudy, I went out on a date last night. It was a miserable failure. Sorry. As my employee, you've seen me day in and day out. You know me better than anyone. Rudy, do I, your boss and sole source of income, have some personality flaw? Or did the fault lie with my date. Feel free to speak candidly. Mother.

'Where are all these alien abductors when you need them?'

'No, everything is not all right. My date ran out without leaving money to pay the bill!'

"Besides it having no atmosphere, this restaurant seems to have a very bad attitude."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'They were going to get married when they were young, but he kept forgetting the wedding date!'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

The six stages of hard drive death and dying.

'Hello dear - I've had a very depressing day.'

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

"Vodka on the rocks, in the rocks, around the rocks, and under the rocks."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'You think that's bad? My husband got canned today.'

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

'It's not you, Richard. It's your ring tone.'

'You write books, you say!'

'But enough about my interiority, how about you?'

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

'Some have a love life - I have a 'can't-stand-for-the-man-to-be-right' life.'

"You're the first guy I've met who really listens and blah, blah, blah..."

I'm an investor. My star sign is predator.

"If I can't be honest with you, Cheryl, who can I pretend to be honest with?"

"I collect fridge magnets that look like little fridges."

"The date was a disaster: he grew up with pirates you see, so I couldn't understand half of what he was saying..."

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

"I miss the days when people were ashamed to admit they met online."

'I'm a herbologist. I study this guy.'

"I'll be honest, Raymond. I really don't give a damn about the wetlands."

'Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me.'