Backstabbing Enthusiast Gifts

"Hank brings five years of top sales experience to our team so lets try to make him feel welcome as he makes you all look bad."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"If we can't find the way forward, let's find the way back."

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

Party-Crashing Ban

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'I hate the moods yuo wake up in!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

Militant Pacifists

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"Well, that's show business."

Multiple personalities with blogs.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"It's Cinderella?!?"

"Sorry Darling, I can't reach your itchy spot..."

Surgical Self-Service

Now You're Talking

Time for today's dose of emotional manipulation...

'Rex, you've slobbered all over the ball! There's no way I'd put it in my mouth now!'

"He can't speak to you at the moment - he's bonding with his compensation package."

"I'm afraid it's the bankruptcy virus."

I knew we were in uncharted waters when our chickens started asking questions like these:

"See? No socialists."