Awkward Moments Fan Gifts

"It's not you, Frank, it's me - I don't like you."

"So, is this your very first visit to a massage therapist?"

"I'm not your instructor - I'm just a weird guy making an unwanted advance."

"Here's Lori's black bean soup, but I'll need the container back — my mother-in-law's ashes were in it."

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

A Man Whose Trousers Do Not Fit.

'What do you think?'

'Your knees are wandering.'

'The party at school was awful! -- The teacher didn't like the Valentine underwear I got for her.'

An awkward moment during the coronation...

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

Conversation Topics and Guidelines Approved for this Area...

"I got sleepy at the auction and stretched my arms."

"We learnt about the birds and bees today - apparently it's a bit like when you and daddy have it off."

"No, I don't want to see your colonoscopy photos."

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

Always an awkward moment when you meet a Dung Beetle...

You're so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off you, even though there's a fly in my soup doing the backstroke, which is comedy gold!

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something."

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

"You and your daft inventions."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'Show one more kitten photo,lady and the next time you see me will be on a 'missing' poster!'

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

Waiter does not want to see customer make bubbles in his wine.

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'By the way Adrian, it unfastens at the front.'

"Don't make eye-contact, don't make eye-contact..."

"Say these things, don't think them!"

Baldo's How to Be Uncool: No. 5. Forget how hot the coffee is while you're thinking how cool you look sitting in a coffee shop.