Awards Show Aficionado T-Shirts

"I don't know much about show business, but my uncle was featured on the golden globes buffet table."

"Oh, I think Whoopi is a good choice, but I would have preferred Greenspan."

Dolby Theatre: 2014 Academy Awards Hosted by Michelle Obama.

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'Guess what? I won again.'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

Soccer coach of the year.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

Geoffrey Rush

Barbie Oscars

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

May I have the envelope, please?

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Oscars acceptance speech.

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

"I'd like to thank my mum..."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'

Norman E-Mailer

"And, finally, to my wife, my love and appreciation for her understanding and critical insights, without whom this project would never have been accomplished."

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"