Awards Show Aficionado Pillows

"Oh, I think Whoopi is a good choice, but I would have preferred Greenspan."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'Guess what? I won again.'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

Soccer coach of the year.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

May I have the envelope, please?

Barbie Oscars

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Oscars acceptance speech.

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

"I'd like to thank my mum..."

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

"And, finally, to my wife, my love and appreciation for her understanding and critical insights, without whom this project would never have been accomplished."

Norman E-Mailer

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"