Awards Season Lover Pillows

'To accept the award on his behalf, his Facebook page.'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Snow flake

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

'Guess what? I won again.'

'I love all the seasons! Fall and winter have great holidays, and spring and summer school gets out!'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

Soccer coach of the year.

How to cope in Los Angeles vs. New York

May I have the envelope, please?

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

Norman E-Mailer

"We need to talk."

"I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

Oscars

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

'Christmas dinner's almost ready dear.'

It's officially spring