Award Nominees Gifts

An Inconcievable, Inexcusable, Incomprehensible Truth.

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"I'm telling you, she's the best in her field."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"So that's where you were last night."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

"Did you know that the average mainstream news portal devotes more space to the oscar in a day than to climate change coverage in the entire year?"

Oscars 2024

Congratulations! - You have been nominated for the Turner Prize...

"Dear diary...Well at least I'm not having to watch the Oscars."

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

May I have the envelope, please?

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

Employee of the month...

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

Oscars

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

The Academy began to regret awarding the Oscar to Destructo.

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

"This should be interesting. . . they're giving an acting award for best political lie. . ."