Award Nomination Gifts

"I'm telling you, she's the best in her field."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Award Winning Gardener

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

"So that's where you were last night."

Soccer coach of the year.

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

On the cusp of winning the Nobel, Bernie gets exposed by his third grade handwriting teacher.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

Zdeno Chara

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

May I have the envelope, please?

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Congratulations! - You have been nominated for the Turner Prize...

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Employee of the month...

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

"I'd like to thank my mum..."