Avid Conversationalist Gifts

I guess this won't be a cartoon...

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

"It's too good. I think it's going to be a forgery, not just a copy."

'It says, the higher a man's I.Q., the longer he's a virgin... well, bud... here's your Nobel Prize nomination!'

Pallbearers sitting around radio: 'This just in! Tributes are pouring in for the legendary tenor Pavarotti, who passed away earlier today....'

"All the good ones are neutered."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'I see that you're a fully integrated immigrant to this country.'

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

The Ly'in Starts Here.

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

'I chase women, but only to tell them about investment opportunities.'

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

Books 'n' Coffee

"Do you play?"

Men telling stories

"There's a smidgen of Charlie Rose about you."

"Hey, this is on me!"

'I'm not writing 'gifts optional' on your birthday party invitation again this year 'cause no one got you a gift.'

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

"Actually, I'm not a New York Yankees fan. I'm a New York Yankees cap fan."

"I feel I have perspective but mostly because I'm tall."

Doctor's advice.

'It's all about hunting and killing with you, isn't it? Why can't you just have fun in the woods?'

"This piece really makes you think doesn't it?"

"As kindergarten taught me, a liberal application of glitter can hide a host of flaws."

'Which choo-choo train is appropriate?'