Audience Researcher Gifts

Trash Test Dummy

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'When I asked you to do research for your assignment, I meant the library not on Google!'

Taking a peek at the audience

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

European currency on the edge.

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Economy - USA.

Warning that Inflationary Policies Could Lead to Crash on Wall St

Stock market Bull & Bear financial whirlwind.

Manufacturing will take place in China...So what role does Europe have?...you borrow money to be the customer

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

Early Attempt at Quantitative Easing.

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Us. Everyone else. My research shows that we are the only statistics company sill using pie charts displayed on an easel.

"Using worst case scenario as a baseline, I consider this data quite encouraging."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

'In a Washington economic summit, a panel of three economists offered two dozen opinions about the direction of global economics.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

'We're losing the mid-morning market. Let's put a hamburger in a glazed donut and call it brunch.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

'Occupation? You name it, that's ME.'

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."