Audience Appreciator Gifts

"This poem was written at a time in my life when I wrote a poem."

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"For the last time stupid, you're tin man, you are not by any leap of the imagination, anything like Iron Man!"

'I believe we've located the cause of your back problem, Mrs. Kangaroo.'

Fly Fishing

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

Taking a peek at the audience

Songs about Texas, next 1100 miles.

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Theatre Crowd

'I asked Will if he wrote it. He said he wasn't sure.'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

Conservation Area

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"Did you just do a rooster?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

Moulin Rouge Security

"All stories have been told, all songs have been sung. But that won't stop us from making movie reboots."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"A haand gel...!?"

'Another blond hair! You've been making a lot of night calls lately...'

"It's our latest scent...Dryer Sheet."

All-Verbal Westerns

Golfer mistakes a hen's egg for his golf ball.

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!