Audience Appreciator Gifts

"This poem was written at a time in my life when I wrote a poem."

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"For the last time stupid, you're tin man, you are not by any leap of the imagination, anything like Iron Man!"

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

'I believe we've located the cause of your back problem, Mrs. Kangaroo.'

Fly Fishing

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

Taking a peek at the audience

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Theatre Crowd

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Songs about Texas, next 1100 miles.

'I asked Will if he wrote it. He said he wasn't sure.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

Conservation Area

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"Did you just do a rooster?"

'Another blond hair! You've been making a lot of night calls lately...'

"It's our latest scent...Dryer Sheet."

Moulin Rouge Security

Golfer mistakes a hen's egg for his golf ball.

"A haand gel...!?"

All-Verbal Westerns

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"All stories have been told, all songs have been sung. But that won't stop us from making movie reboots."

"Play dead!" "What a long strange trip its been..."