Attitude Analyzer Pillows

'It seems that he was too optimistic. His glass of water wasn't half full. Obviously, it was completely empty.'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

Yesterday I had an argument with the janitor of my building, and then last night I dreamed that he was chasing me with a large ball-peen hammer

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

'Of course I'm depressed. I've run out of places to pierce.'

'Listen, Geoffrey ...I know you're a clinical psychologist, but I DON'T have A.D.D. ! You're just incredibly boring.'

"My parent's think I'm apathetic, but I don't care."

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

"I could have gotten to the top . . . but I wasted all my time in the park."

'I'm not mad! I'm fuming!'

Glasses half full, half empty, half assed.

"Last week, when I was telling you about my Lou Ferrigno dream, were you fighting off a yawn? Do you go to therapy? What would you do if I touched your ear? Yes or no—am I insane?"

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"I think I've found the trouble, Mr. Nadler!"

Road Guilt

"Of course, you understand you can't possibly stay here tonight."

"Because you always do that with your fingers."

"Don't feel bad. Shallow people make my job easy."

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

'Your glass is half full!'

Job Interview, "This company wants a person who is both ruthless and intelligent but who is also too dumb to want to try for my job."

"Is your glass half full with windfall profits, or half empty with a capital gains problem?"

Emojis for psychos.

Protests

"I have headaches, stomach, pains, aching muscles, back pains, creaking joints, nausea and dry eyes."

'Tell me more about your premonition of impending dom, Mr Syms...'

'According to a recent issue of 'psychology today', all your fears are well founded.'

"Baldo, I don't need advice on looking cool in a new car."

'On the contrary, your glass is half full.'

I made a resolution to have a more positive attitude, but god knows how long that's gonna last...

"I'm very slow to anger, but then I'm very slow to do everything."

"Well, it's official. The American Dream has become the American Daydream."

'I've had it with your bright, sunny, upbeat...'

Psychometric tests would weed out 25% of all applicants (medical schools).

Glass Explorters: Half Full and Half Empty.