Astrological Sports Buff Pillows

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

Personal conker trainer.

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'It's a combination of March Madness,,, and Linsanity,'

Planting by the Moon.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

'OK, be the ball, be the ball, be the ball'

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

The Inner Dog.

"So, what is your star sign?"

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

Uranus always gets a bad rap. Tap tap tap tap tap. What do you mean, dorkboy? I mean, no matter how mature people think they are, they always, always want to chuckle when they say "Uranus." Come on, Sadie. You know you want to smirk, even if it's in secret. What if I told you Uranus is slightly bigger than Neptune? Not chuckling! Uranus is always the butt of the joke.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

Monster Horrorscopes

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

"I used to believe in astrology, UFO's, reincarnation, ESP, and all that stuff - in a former life, of course."

Documentation Please

Eve makes a discovery with far reaching ramifications. Our star signs aren't compatible.

'Yeah, I'm a trife scorpio - what of it?'

"Eye irritation is quite common when Saturn and Jupiter are in this position. It's called conjunctivitis."

Fortune Tellers Convention

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

With uncertainty over what happens after Brexit we can't trust to our traditional forecast models..."

'Ha ha! You've been afraid of someone else's future!'