Assistant Coach Gifts

'This is Role Model Man. He is our new assistant coach in charge of projecting a positive image to impressionable young minds.'

"Look at that bunch of Penn State boosters.' - 'That's the Sandusky jury."

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

"Just be yourself."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Those aren't coconuts, they're tennis balls." "Sweet mother of Novak Djokovic!" The island of lost tennis balls.

Reach for the Star.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'I love your cardiovascular system!'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

Oscar would laugh whenever he recalled his empty existence before golf.

Go team!

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Time Is Money

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

'Another football scholarship offer?'

Punt Cake

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

"I AM at my usual position."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Go! Means NOW!

The trauma of losing.

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

Back to school.