Aspiring Valedictorians Gifts

"He said his first word, 'Harvard'."

"That's Brian Eggleston, de facto leader of the playground intelligentsia."

'Stop purring I can't hear your heart beat.'

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'Why not take some time off after high school...travel a bit...get a job...make some money...pay your own way through college.'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"The extent of your extracurricular activities in high school, may very well be participation in regular program of oral hygiene using an effective decay preventaative tooth paste, but that won't get you into a good university."

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'I don't suppose you're just writing me a Valentine?'

Beginning of the school year

What I'd really like to do, of course, is direct.

"Gracie, I'll never reveal my secret to being the smartest girl in the third grade."

'Can you get out and parallel park for me? I'm not good at it.'

Where's The Prize?

How was your college tour? Good. Now I need straight A's and 375 extracurriculars to get in. You're exaggerating. Easy for you to say. You've got a 4.0. Yeah, but

"Someday, I'm gonna be valedictorian of my graduating class. Don't you want to be at the top of your class, Baldo?"

'Remember, my dear, it's just a starter castle.'

"When can we start calling each other names like they did in the political debates."

"Well, I think it's good that he wants to go to university."

"I figure participation marks are my only hope for a good grade in this class."

'Nobody ever said that being a youth pastor would be EASY.'

"No, mine has a gold band with diamonds, fleurs-de-lis, and four arches topped by a jewelled cross."

Esteemed Vegetables

No big deal, but coach is posting who made varsity today. Yawn! I can wait. Sports. Tap!

"I'm experiencing student burnout."

"They're not rich-rich, but they're rich enough so that we wouldn't feel uncomfortable around them."

"...and the shepherd boy never got into any of the really good schools."

Superhero Academy. We've evaluated your applications and our advice to both of you is, don't be a hero.

"So, how are you getting on with your plans to take the world by storm?"

"This is what I learned during my summer at TED camp."

Just go play on whichever one you like. I'm sure the choice won't affect your college applications.

"In my next life I hope to be a premiership footballer."

The Young and the Politically Active

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"