Aspiring Employee With Quirks Pillows

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'Ms. Moffit, please inform the staff that I have morphed and send in that plump young marketing trainee.'

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

"Actually, the job calls for someone who is convex."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Urine Catcher

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

'My resume,...in rap form!'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

"Any other skills?"

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

Exciting suggestion in 'suggestion box'.

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Bancroft, it's time to pay the salesmen their bonuses. Would you please stop at the butchers' shop and get a few pounds of raw meat?'

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'I see Charlie's moonlighting again.'

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'