Aspiring Employee With Quirks Pillows

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Ms. Moffit, please inform the staff that I have morphed and send in that plump young marketing trainee.'

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

"Actually, the job calls for someone who is convex."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Urine Catcher

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'My resume,...in rap form!'

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

When staffing agencies screw up.

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"Any other skills?"

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Bancroft, it's time to pay the salesmen their bonuses. Would you please stop at the butchers' shop and get a few pounds of raw meat?'

Exciting suggestion in 'suggestion box'.

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'I see Charlie's moonlighting again.'