Art Lecturer Gifts

'I may not know art, but I know what goes over a green sofa.'

Sculptor explaining to tourist in Trafalgar Square that sculpture of pigeon is called 'Retribution - it actually doubles as a giant privy!'

A Puppet Named Juan

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"We're bringing the arts and sciences together here by giving crayons to mice."

'Never mind inspiration. I need background material on atomic physics.'

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

The Artist

Paul Klee

Eternal Student.

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

'I'm in my Blue period.'

"Make a lot of money."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"I don't think I can express what I have to say in just colored paper and glue."

Scarcity

Instructional guide to scribbling

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

Van Gogh was starting to run out of gift ideas.

'...And here we have the 'Laugher Curve.''

"Nervous about this morning's presentation?"

"Mother, I think I'm good enough to exhibit on the living room walls now."

"An unfortunate museum gift shop." "Banksy activity set." "Jackson Pollock coloring book." "MC Escher building blocks." "Claes Oldenburg miniatures." "Marceau Marceau CDs." "Seurat's connect-the-dots aaAAAAA."

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"