Army Chow Challenger Pillows

Mess Hall. The new recruit was assigned to kitchen duty. We have a private chef!

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Looks like Harriet mixed her lights and darks again."

Lawnmower

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

"Heel! Pass it on."

"You and your daft inventions."

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

Things were going extremely well until last night's chilli reared its ugly head.

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

'All the rice you can eat... with one chopstick.'

'It's been a few hundred years, gentlemen... I think it's finally time to admit that forks are better.'

'It's the half-empty bag of cookies from the back of the pantry. Should I tell them you'll call back?'

'Young lady, you're not going anywhere until you clean your lint trap!'

Spring cleaning.

"They won't work!!!"

We're never going to lose weight if we don't get rid of the fridge light.

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."

I find that I can cut back on calories if I use only one chopstick.

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

'Unfortunately, Mr.Beckons, your son Dean is very allergic to grass. . .'

A man walks with a dog who has learnt to scoop his own poop.

'I got him for self defense. Boze eats my wife's leftovers.'

Man and dog.

'My compliments to the chef - I'm gonna be sick and won't have to pull latrine duty today.'

Old man learning to ice skate

Chinese restaurant: In case of emergency break glass (Knife and fork).

As soon as the diet ends the lost weight returns.