Army Chow Challenger Prints

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Lawnmower

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

"Heel! Pass it on."

"You and your daft inventions."

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

Things were going extremely well until last night's chilli reared its ugly head.

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

'All the rice you can eat... with one chopstick.'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

'Young lady, you're not going anywhere until you clean your lint trap!'

'It's the half-empty bag of cookies from the back of the pantry. Should I tell them you'll call back?'

'It's been a few hundred years, gentlemen... I think it's finally time to admit that forks are better.'

I find that I can cut back on calories if I use only one chopstick.

Spring cleaning.

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."

"They won't work!!!"

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

A man walks with a dog who has learnt to scoop his own poop.

Man and dog.

'My compliments to the chef - I'm gonna be sick and won't have to pull latrine duty today.'

As soon as the diet ends the lost weight returns.

Old man learning to ice skate

Chinese restaurant: In case of emergency break glass (Knife and fork).

'I got him for self defense. Boze eats my wife's leftovers.'

'Yes I know he wanted to be in the catering corps.'