Armchair Prophet Gifts

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

'People today smoke right down to the filter...a sign to me that the endtimesare near.' ( repent)

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Smiling businessman with rising profits

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"I should've never studied canon law."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

The Three Kinds of People

"Oh, I can't complain"

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"I really don't care what yours says. My weather app says rain for 40 days and 40 nights. I think you should probably go with that, Noah."

"I don't believe in egrets."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'This is why we can't have nice things... '

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"