Armchair Critics Pillows

"Because I'm the king and I like it better than the old one, that's why."

The intellectual.

Turkish Democracy

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

Whistler's father.

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

"I got a tweet from Putin NOT to attack Iran."

Who's Dead

"If they shorten political campaigns, what will we do for entertainment?"

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

'He does what he wants - I blame that new manager, Mourinho!'

What can I get you, Uncle Mort? An answer. How many countries are we at war with right now? One? … No wait … Two? No wait … Seven? … No wait … oh yeah. The answer is none. If none of them are "declared." Then none of them count as "wars." It's in the Constitution. That's not what the Constitution means!!!

Red State Football

Development in Russia after the Soviet Union...

"He passed out from apoplectic rage directed at Trump's voter fraud conspiracies."

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

'What's wrong, people? You wanna be sooper-dooper safe, don't you?'

'Helen! I'm all settled in and I don't want to get up. Would you get the remote for me?'

One China, Two Minds

Be the Lame Change You Seek

"I attribute most of my problems in the third grade to the media."

'He's really putting that media studies degree to good use.'

'I want a classic that reveals eternal truths, absolute justice and moral courage without challenging my basic prejudices.'

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"No incumbents were harmed in the passage of this stimulus package...."

"The following program contains adult situations designed to make you feel bad about your life."

"Since you retired, you've gone to pieces!"