Apocalyptic Scenario Planner Pillows

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

A sun opens its mouth to eat a burning Earth

Zombie Problems

'If all goes according to plan, this garden should reach crisis proportions by midsummer.'

The End is Nigh

"One day she'll be a wonderful architect."

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

Catastrophe Risk Insurance

"Can you estimate how much money you'll need for your mid-life crisis?"

Tsunami Evac Route

'These guys aren't playing by the rules!!!'

The Ambivalence of a Nice Day in February

Zombie Fish

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"My next book? It will probably be about rising up and crushing humanity."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

There's been lots of unexplained shaking and booming noises in the middle of the night - all over the world. Some thing earth's entered a part of space filled with meteors too big to burn up in our atmosphere. Others think governments are building a network of underground bases to save a select few from a coming apocalypse. A lot of people think the world's about to end, Susan. If it were anyone but you, I'd thinking this was a pickup line. For the first time in my life, all my favorite shows go

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

'No, Brian, an asteroid impact would never take us by surprise like it did the dinosaurs because we're highly intelligent and they were very stupid and dull-witted.'

Climate Change Contingency House

"The asteroid will hit in 2032, but I’m prepared!"

'Darling, I told you not to call me at work.'

The final days of hair coloring

'My backup special...'

'The end is near.'

"I've half a mind to protest."

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

'I went in to get my mortgage renewed. I said: 'Make it for eight months and four days!'. . . Am I only the one who thinks the world ends in December?'

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

"Chief, I'd like a four-year sabbatical to prepare for the millennium."

"The scariest part is knowing that someday something'll come along that will make us go, 'Even the spider mutants weren't this bad.' "

"My cousin is lucky, he lives on the 14th floor. I'm sure he has a great view of the end of the world."

"It's my life line in case the rapture happens, so I'm not left behind."

10/03/17 14:03