Anxious Father Gifts

Baby Trouble.

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

Woman with kids at husbands office.

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

"You go out first. Signal me if it's safe!!"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Trust

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

"It's a dependent!"

'You want Chinese food? Are you going to have a baby or something?'

A father comes home from work and is given a baby.

"'Routine examination' were the only two words in the doctor's mind when he placed the stethoscope on..."

Push, push, push...

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

The (literal) birth of Venus.

You missed a spot!

'I'm sorry, but I haven't understood a word you've babbled since I turned left on red.'

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

She Had Enough To Drink.

'Sometimes I think you'll be sorry when the baby gets here.'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

'This is probably the only time I'll be chauffeur driven and I can't even look out the window!'

"No. I can't tell if it's a...Mug or tie. Either way, happy Father's Day."

Maternity doctor with a plunger

"Which one's mine?!"

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'It's sad to think of raising him in a world with looming tort reform.'

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee

"And this will protect him from distemper."

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'