Anxious Epicurean Gifts

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

Counting ribs

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

'It's your babysitter, where do you keep your fire extinguisher?'

Paul Bocuse caricature

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'I'm sorry, but I haven't understood a word you've babbled since I turned left on red.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

"I know there's safety in numbers, but I suffer from enochlophobia: Can you help me?"

Agoraphobic Explorer

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

"Is it okay that I said yes to that costume party?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

A single man can be seen through the front window of the "ME Only Restaurant".

"Our new math book not only remediates, diagnoses, analyzes,and tests, it also contains fifty quick and delicious recipes for today's on-the-go teacher!"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

"Did we switch everything off before we left?"