Annual Appraisal Gifts

'I'm giving you a praise. It's not a raise but it will look good on your evaluation.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"#Win!"

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Business is off the chart.

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

Flu vaccine.

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

Peacock of Productivity

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

Vulture sitting over a plummeting graph.

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

"You seem to be balancing your workload well."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"So what brings you in today?"

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

"Our company is going to embrace cutting edge change...that's why the room is full of old white guys waiting for me to load a motivational video into a VCR."

"Let me level with you. I am a lecherous, incompetent, alcoholic, overpaid, sexist senior executive. The company has put me in your way to test your countervailing potential."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"Before we start our wages negotiation talks, the lads would like to congratulate the chairman on his 83% salary increase."

"It's been a great year - let's hope we can keep the shareholders from finding out."