Ancient Grooming Gurus Pillows

"Not too much off my back."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Renk just discovered beard oil."

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'You can't be serious! They wash you by dipping you in a tub of water! That's horrible!'

Lesser known greek gods,

Bathing the dog

Emergency Hipster Beard

Dating is so expensive...

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

Owner Looks Like Poodle.

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

"Absolutely not!"

"Be creative...!"

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

Movember

"Nice haircut."

'Done the first, now shower, shave.' - The bear essentials.

The Cat Spa

'...so I simply combined my love of beards with my love of tattoos and this was the result!'

"Wow, what a DILF."

"I'm not saying your after shave smells bad, but.. maybe you should use one mosquitoes don't like so much!"

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

"Same goash-darn thing every full moon, eh, Mr. Harper?"

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

Hair Traffic control.

'Have you had a brazilian?'

'Reach up and fold down into Uttanasa.' - 'Notice how you feel both physically and spiritually.' - 'Physically, I feel that my toenails are a bit too long.' - 'Hmmm... okay, what about spiritually?'

The Organic

You can tell when the blades get dull on your rotary nose-hair clippers.