Personal Grooming Guru Pillows

'On second thoughts - I like you better with the beard.'

'Ralph doesn't have a mustache. He just never trims his nose hair.'

'Oh Darling, I just love the smell of your new aftershave...'

'It may well have saved us a few bob out of our meagre pension, dear, but next time I'm going to Giovanni's!'

6 Quarantine-Friendly Fashions

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

Haircuts

"Renk just discovered beard oil."

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

'You can't be serious! They wash you by dipping you in a tub of water! That's horrible!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

"Can you make wishes on fake eyelashes?"

Beauty is in the eye of the manipulator.

Bathing the dog

Rapunzel in the Morning

Owner Looks Like Poodle.

Dating is so expensive...

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Absolutely not!"

"Be creative...!"

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

One of the Ten Best Hair Days of the Year

Movember

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

I cut my own hair — using a drone.

'...so I simply combined my love of beards with my love of tattoos and this was the result!'

"Same goash-darn thing every full moon, eh, Mr. Harper?"

"I'm not saying your after shave smells bad, but.. maybe you should use one mosquitoes don't like so much!"