Amenities Analyzer Pillows

"One BHK, two baths, and sixty three plug points."

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

Skeptic Tank.

Always Compatible

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

You heard earth's just entered its sixth great extinction event? Really? Vertebrate species are dying at a rate not seen since the dinosaurs died off. This time It's thanks to us. But the good thing is, scientists think humans will die off pretty early in this mass extinction. How's that a good thing? We won't be around to hear the other animals say "I told you so."

"Because you always do that with your fingers."

The vacation rental agency is saying technically that's a "lap pool," so we can't get our money back.

"How is it that Mick Jagger still has the energy to be Mick Jagger, but you're exhausted just from being you."

'Wow, excellent turnout.'

Job Interview, "This company wants a person who is both ruthless and intelligent but who is also too dumb to want to try for my job."

Hypnotist - "You are going into a deeeep sleeep"

'Office amenities' dangled by 'Leasing agents'

"I have headaches, stomach, pains, aching muscles, back pains, creaking joints, nausea and dry eyes."

"You're a Democrat. Aren't you supposed to be liberal with money?"

"Should we watch 'The Walking Dead' or C-SPAN?"

Realty Porn

'It seems that he was too optimistic. His glass of water wasn't half full. Obviously, it was completely empty.'

"Terry's dad gives him £5 a week pocket money, plus all the beer he can drink"

"Somehow I thought the whole thing would be a lot classier!"

Rejected resumes.

Colin enjoyed a 'light' meal!

-

"I'm pretty sure I'm a hypochondriac sucking up scarce resources with my imaginary ailments....but I thought I'd come in and get a second opinion."

'You lost something, didn't you. . . You're looking for something. What is it? Well, you're driving me nuts. I'm going shopping.'

"It was so sudden. You were lucky to find a sponsor."