Amateur Performer Gifts

Young lady telling a young man he is not singing low enough.

"He sings for charity. He has to. Nobody offers to pay him."

"Darling, I never realised how talented you weren't!"

Open Mic Night

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I've tried all night without potting a ball.' - 'Try taking away the wooden frame.'

'Unbelievable, these guys brought a ringer.'

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

"I'm watching the dog cheat at solitaire."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

'Quit clowning about, Fred.'

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Still life with fruit and terribly drawn fish"

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

Canoeing Incorrectly

"A little high and inside."

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

'Seriously, your ululation is good enough for American Idol.'

'He always takes Charades very seriously.'

"It might be a better trick if you didn't use see-through glass"

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

"That' was great - let's run though that again."

Spring Cleaning

"Good morning, world!"

"Morning! Are the fish biting?"

"The only thing that can save it now is a really bad glee club!!"