Alumnus Gifts

"You'll like this place: they play old skool house."

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

"Thank you for your service."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"Dad, I hold a professorship, in poetry at Harvard. I'm widely published. I'm well off. I'll retire in three years. The odds of me going into medicine at this point are slim to none."

"It does seem like a school-approved activity."

'Mom calls this a diary where you write private thoughts no one else can see. What fun is that?'

'And remember you success will be measured by how much money you donate to the universities alumni fund.'

'Whoa! We sure blew that prediction!'

"If you didn't want to feel inferior to your classmates, you shouldn't have gone to such a good school."

"It was a surprise. The college alumni solicitation letters never stop, even here!"

"Ogden, could you pull a string and get me one of those pictures of you naked at Yale?"

John Wooden.

'Nice resume but graduating 'summa cum student loan' isn't really something to brag about.'

'Remember, your success in life will be measure by how much you donate to your Alma Mater...'

'I thought they told you that any donation, no matter how small, would be greatly appreciated.'

'No, that's my photo above the caption: 'Student most likely to succeed'.'

"Someone must have read about me in the financial pages. My college alumni fund in contacting me twice a week."

'Spreadbury! Never forget a face - 1957! Gave you a beating... good old school days, eh? Spreaders?'

"You call this a resume? The school you graduated from lost every football and basketball game this year."

"Part of the old boy network?"

'I had just assumed the college alumni solicitation letters would stop up here.'

"We're lucky the Peace Corps sent us a Princeton man."

My University's Fundraising Department

'Hi, I'm from your alumni assocation, and I'm wondering if you'd care to share your loot...'

Class reunion of money and talent.

"I just can't shake the alumni newsletter."