Allergy-conscious Foodie Gifts

'Gretel, she's lying. It's not gluten free!'

"Wow! So you think my chronic self-hatred may just be an undiagnosed case of lactose intolerance?"

"Mouse? No. They contain cheese and I'm lactose intolerant."

"OK, hands up who’s vegan... lactose intolerant... peanut allergies..."

The Nihilist Deli.

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

'It's getting harder every day to make a living at this.'

Gluten-free Santa

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten, or extra gluten."

"The surgery went well. You'll be issued a 'Contains No Nuts' card upon discharge."

Squirrel in tree with t-shirt saying ''may contain nuts.'

"No, we don't sell gluten-free gluten."

"How could they possibly know it's gluten-free, low gi. . . ?"

"So, it's Gluten free, lactose free and meat free. How does it taste?"

Gluten-Free Church

"Are there nuts in this?"

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

"So, little Andy is a lawyer now!"

We Honor Major Credit Cards and Most Dietary Restrictions

'It's wheat-free, dairy-free, fat-free, nut-free, sugar-free and salt-free...enjoy!

"None of our items are gluten-free, but they are prepared by people who are."

'Is the homework gluten free?'

"Well, my wife is lactose-maltose-dextrose-sucrose-cellulose intolerant, which means I can't even hand her an empty box of candy."

"One gluten-free, lactose-free, low carb pizza."

"Y' know, a GOOD host would provide a lactose-free option!"

"It's gluten/carb/fat/preservative/sugar-free. Enjoy your Celery Supreme."

Does this contain garlic?

"What? I have a nut allergy."

The Last Thanksgiving

'I'm sorry sir, but this highway is lactose intolerant.'

"Did you put garlic in the pasta?"

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten or extra gluten."

'Please sir, does this contain nuts?'

It turns out celiac disease is thousands of years old. Yet I still never heard about "gluten" till recently. What do you think that means, Randy? It obviously means big wheat has some explaining to do. They must've altered the grains. I don't know. Maybe it's because our environment has gotten cleaner. So since our antibodies haven't had to work as hard, they've gotten weaker. HOJ. If there's one thing you'd know about, little buddy, it's atrophy. We should have our own science show.