Alimony Survivor Gifts

"I'm at that awkward stage between credit card payments and alimony payments."

"...until death do you a favor."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'Look at my new overdraft its fantastic.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

After income tax, pension and national insurance I end up owing £450.

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

'I think that's enough enlightenment for now Tim!'

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

'You want some protection money? Oh, thank God. For a moment there I thought you were from the Inland Revenue.'

Life in Lockdown: Working from Home (The Video Zoom Call)

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'Frankly, my dear, you can keep the dam.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

College tuition fees.

"If I'd known it would last this long, I'd have settled for the edited highlights."

"Thar someone from the IRS blows!"

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

'My wife didn't leave me after all -- She just drove to the airport to pick up her mother.'

T-shirt slogan: 'I survived the audit.'

'Termites devour my house, the kids devour the hair off my head and taxes devour all my profits... I'm at the bottom of the food chain'!

'Trust me - you're funnier without me'