Airport Screener Gifts

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

UK border controls relaxed.

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

Fight or Flight

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

'At this time, we would like to call those passengers who feel compelled to board before their row numbers are announced.'

Disinformation booth.

I travelled to get away from it all. All I got away from was my luggage.

"Honey, are we watching TV or is it watching us?"

"Rule #1: don't offer to carry anything!"

Airport

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

"Will you be flying through to Toledo, or attempting to leave mid-air?"

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

'It is now safe to kick and swear at your computer'

'Jenkins won the health savings award with his suggestion that we have our employee hernia checks done at the airport by TSA agents.'

"O.K., you're good. Next!"

December 17, 1903, The Wright Brothers invent the first hub airport at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina

Shops Shops Shops - 'I've just remembered! We came here to catch a flight!'

Gates A-C: Johnson, Davis, Potts, surprise me!

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

"Well, that's just great! I guess pigs don't fly after all!"

'Yes, I know. But my boarding pass clearly says 'B4'!'

"At these prices, what do you expect?"

Airport traffic

'I'm sorry sir, but that slide rule exceeds the allowable length for a sharp object, unless, of course, you can manage to fold it.'

Efforts Results In Seeing Stars

'I stopped you so I could find out where you got that great outfit.'

"At this time boarding first will be all first class passengers, a.k.a. the more important people on this flight."

Delayed Departure and Late Arrivals

'Welcome to America'