Agricultural Alchemists Gifts

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Circa 1928, The Reese's Candy laboratory.

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

'I had a wonderful garden last year. Bark beetles, aphids, mealy worms, thripes, wax seal, gray mold, and grubs!'

'He's trying to put some magic into my recipes.'

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

The FDA studies 'Tobacco'.

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

So those are your 'weapons of mass destruction? - Slugs?

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

'Good - we're finally all on the same rampage.'

'The Algenist meets the Alchemist.'

'So, what do you think of my first attempt at making homemade wine?'

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

"I discovered a way to get Steven to eat his vegetables. I put chocolate syrup on them."

The timing doesn't work for eco-club to start a garden. I have a better idea. Build a compost bin. You can recycle the school's leaves and grass clippings. You'll have good soil for a garden next spring. That's not enough time for college admissions essays. Write about the trauma of delayed gratification. Never heard of it.

'It's a growth industry' (tulips from Amsterdam).

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

'Have no fear - I'll have the project completed for you in no time.'

"Of course you can't replicate my experiments. That's the beauty of them."

'Dang.'

"I was going to transmute it into gold, and then I read that the base metal market has made a remarkable recovery!"

'Why bother recreating the 5,000-year-old recipe fo the ancient Egyptians, when there's already one that old at the back of the fridge?'

"Ulrich, that's bad science and you know it!"

"Since I've been using this organic stuff my potions are far more effective."

"After all these years, I'm sure of only one thing: when I heat the liquid, it boils."

'This computerized herd management is getting out of control.'

"Hang on - this one's a Malteser!!"