Acquittal Gifts

'You are the wind beneath my aquittal.'

"Have you any 'Congratulations on not being found guilty' cards?"

"And who would've guessed Jenny would find love again so soon after her acquittal on charges related to the untimely deaths of her spouses?"

Looks like another day in which. . . I have to run the world, the country, the business and the household!!!

'They all want to play the star.'

Balancing work and family

"I had to skip my workout."

"You moved two spaced and then one space to the side? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that sure sounds illegal."

If Dr. Chan has a schoolteacher husband, a diabetic mother-in-law, twins in preschool, and a daughter who stays with her father across town on alternate weekends, and one twin and the daughter have colds, how many free rapid COVID tests are required to alleviate Dr. Chan's breaking-point levels of despair?

"Which part are you reading for?"

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

"My name's Edwin, and I'm addicted to risk."

Working from home

Presenter Auditions.

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

Extra Long-jump

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

'Cool!! Your Dad lets you take accordian lessons??!!'

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

Muy mum rocks.

Corporate pirate.

'WOW! Did anyone see the recoil on this baby?'

"Whack him. And if you can't whack him, redact him."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

Johann Strauss

'Your fee is causing us more mental anguish than the accident.'

The Washington Arbitrators

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

A conductor reads from a picture book.

'Ok, you can stay, but that emotional baggage has gotta go!'

Cook in interview explaining she left her last post because her employee did not like her singing

'The least you can say is thank you for checking the tides.'

'Are you the one they call 'the silencer'?' 'Say no more.'

Stale Ostrich Egg Throwers