Accidental Investor Pillows

'Boy, is Mom going to be happy when she hears we melted down her gold cards and got $950 an ounce for them!'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

'AAAARGH!...Get it off! Whatever the hell it is...Get it off!'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The sad fate of Isaac Newton's Tahitian counterpart.

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

'It wasn't premeditated.

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

The Stock Market.

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

"You should consider buying."

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

Animal worries.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'