Academy Trainer Gifts

At the Police Academy's annual Passing out parade.

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"Any questions?"

"Houston - you will Not believe this!"

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

How to deliver a successful presentation.

"Any questions?"

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'You know what they say - 'Those who don't learn the lessons of history are doomed to go to summer school.''

"I believe I can create a great presentation if I can only tap into my cognitive dissonance."

Hanging off every word...

Quality Control

"The GOOD news is that 94 people want to attend the leadership training, the bad news is that 64 of them want to change the venue, 56 the time and 45 want to be course leader."

'I hope that training aid doesn't give him the idea that bigger laptops could mean more output.'

I can outsource your job to someone who'll work longer hours for less money. Less money I can understand...but how do they make the hours longer than 60 minutes?

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

Targets.

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'First of all, relax.'

'Let's go! Let's go! Hustle! ...Relatively speaking.'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'I sort of thought your presentation was going to be in powerpoint.'

Mentors guide you through the maze.

'I miss the good old days!'

"My assistant will show you the ropes."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'